In our last blog about work-life integration, we talked about goal-setting – the first step of the GAMES method.
To achieve work-life integration, partner communication about priorities, values, daily life expectations, and division of labor is necessary. The mother is often seen as the “default” parent, so much of the childcare responsibilities fall on her. Thus, making explicit plans with a partner may lighten parts of the load. Often your partner may not realize that you need them to do a task or know what specific help to provide. I remember being shocked when I told my husband that I needed help with the dishes and getting the spiderwebs off the ceiling (I am short!). I thought this would lead to us discussing why I needed help, but the reply he gave was simply “Okay.”
Sometimes the only way we can reach our goals is if we ask for help. Today, we are going to tackle the second step of the GAMES process and look at the importance of asking for help from our partners and/or our support network.
Why is it so hard to ask for help? We have been taught that we should be able to have it all at once, and if we don’t have it all, we have failed. The belief that we should be Supermom is everywhere, from magazines on grocery store racks to late-night TV
shows to the podcasts we listen to while folding laundry. This perfectionism is an unrealistic expectation for anyone. Moms are being asked to work longer and longer hours with increased availability while at home, while still being held responsible for the bulk of the household and childcare duties. With all these obligations, it is understandable and valid to feel overwhelmed. The question is: what should we do when we reach this point? More importantly, how can we prevent it?
First, think about what you are feeling and what is causing it. Note how your body feels and what may be warning signs that you are becoming overwhelmed. What is happening around you? Are you jittery, or short of breath? Do you become most frustrated when you are doing a particular task or in a particular setting? By identifying your triggers and warning signs, you can learn when you need to ask for help so that you never reach the panic point.
Second, think about the tasks you love doing, versus the tasks you hate doing. Some people love to cook and others dread it. You might not mind vacuuming, but would rather take out the garbage than clean the toilet. Think through what tasks may be more difficult because of your personal feelings towards them. By doing this, you have created room in your mind to ask for help in a place where it’s most needed. Generally, asking for help with a task you don’t enjoy has more of an impact on your well-being than a task that you actually enjoy doing.
Finally, consider the person you plan to ask for help. Are there restrictions on when they can help you, or what they can help you with? What are their loves and hates of household tasks? Is there a best time to ask for help? Imagine that you need help during dinner time but your partner works a late shift. While this doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help, it does mean you have to be strategic about when this help can occur.
For example, it may be that asking for help with meal preparation and the clean-up may be more beneficial than asking for help cooking at dinnertime (when they are at work). This is more realistic for their work schedule and more effective for fulfilling your needs.
In general, I recommend that you start with a conversation when neither you nor your support person are feeling overwhelmed. You are much more likely to reach a successful outcome if you don’t start from a place of anger and frustration! Engaging in these conversations and asking for help before things go wrong is a much more effective prevention strategy than waiting until everyone is at their wit’s end.
After taking these steps, you can then decide how to best approach the discussion and what to ask for help with. Be specific about what you need, avoiding general statements like “I need help around the house.” Keep in mind that you’re dealing with another human, so remaining flexible about how your needs can be met is more effective. For example, you might say, “I feel very overwhelmed at dinnertime. While I understand that you are at work, I would appreciate it if you could help me when you get home so I can focus on getting the kids’ homework and bedtime. I was thinking that the kids and I could soak the dishes, so that when you get home you can just load the dishwasher and wipe down the table and counters. This is just one idea, but I am hoping that we can try this and agree to keep talking about what is and isn’t working for each of us.” This approach is very clear, and delivering your request while patient and calm can help your partner digest what you’re asking for, why you’re asking, and your ability to be flexible.
When you ask for help, realize that you are also showing your kids that it is okay to ask for help. By asking for help, you are ensuring that you have the ability to care and show up for yourself and your family. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Just as we want our kids to ask for help when they need it, we need to learn self-compassion and role model help-seeking ourselves!