Previously, we’ve talked about setting goals. Sometimes the only way we can reach our goals is if we ask for help. Today, we are going to look at the importance of ASKING for help from our partners or our support network.
Why is it so hard to ask for help? We have been taught that we should be able to have it all at the same time and if we don’t have it all, we have failed. The belief that we should be Supermom is everywhere, but this is an unrealistic expectation for anyone. Moms are being asked to work longer and longer hours with increased accessibility while at home. Moms also still do the majority of household and childcare tasks, so it is perfectly reasonable to feel overwhelmed. What should we do when we are overwhelmed?
First, pause and identify what you are feeling and what is causing it. Note how your body feels and what may be warning signs that you are becoming overwhelmed. What is happening around you? Do you become most frustrated when you are doing a particular task or in a particular setting? By identifying your triggers and warning signs, you can begin to identify what and when you need to ask for help.
Second, identify what you love to do and what you hate to do. Some people love to cook and others hate it. You might not mind vacuuming, but hate cleaning the toilet. Think through what would really help you the most. Generally, asking for help with a task you don’t enjoy has more of an impact than a task that you do.
Finally, consider the person you plan to ask for help. Are there restrictions on when they can help you? What do they love and hate to do? Is there a best time to ask for help? Imagine that you need help during dinner time but your partner works second shift. It may be that asking for help with meal preparation and dishes may be more realistic than asking for help cooking at dinnertime (when they are at work). In general, I recommend that you start with a conversation when neither you nor your support person are feeling overwhelmed. You are much more likely to reach a successful outcome if you don’t start from a place of anger and frustration!
If you have taken these steps, then you can decide how to best approach the discussion and what to ask for help with. Make sure that you are specific about what you need and agree to keep talking about what is and isn’t working for each of you. Stay tuned for our next post in this mini-series, on how to approach communication with your partner.
References and Further Reading
Bloch, L., Haase, C. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2014). Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: More than a wives’ tale. Emotion, 14(1), 130–144. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034272
Carroll, S. J., Hill, E. J., Yorgason, J. B., Larson, J. H., & Sandberg, J. G. (2013). Couple communication as a mediator between work–family conflict and marital satisfaction. Contemporary Family Therapy, 35(3), 530–545. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-013-9237-7
Javadivala, Z., Allahverdipour, H., Asghari Jafarabadi, M., Azimi, S., Gilani, N., & Chattu, V. K. (2021). Improved couple satisfaction and communication with marriage and relationship programs: Are there gender differences? A systematic review and meta-analysis. Systematic Reviews, 10(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s13643-021-01719-0
Johnson, M. D., Cohan, C. L., Davila, J., Lawrence, E., Rogge, R. D., Karney, B. R., Sullivan, K. T., & Bradbury, T. N. (2005). Problem-solving skills and affective expressions as predictors of change in marital satisfaction. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 15–27. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006x.73.1.15