Have you ever caught yourself saying, “Why me?” or “Of course this happens to me!” after a distressing crisis occurs? When distressing things happen to us, such as not getting a promotion at work or hearing some hurtful words from your child, it is easy for us to be self-critical and blame ourselves for the challenges that come up. You might notice that our inner critic can be the loudest during these difficult moments, but it usually does not help improve our mood or perspective about how to move forward in the face of adversity. In fact, you may notice that it makes you feel even more distressed, unmotivated, and frustrated with yourself.
For this week’s blog post, we are going to sit with the topic of universal humanity and how integrating these self-compassionate approaches can yield positive outcomes when you may be suffering. While it may sometimes seem like we’re facing the world alone, convinced that no one truly understands your struggles, it’s crucial to acknowledge our shared humanity. In numerous ways, our commonalities far outweigh our differences. This realization can provide solace, as obsessing over the ways we’re dissimilar from others often leads to emotional isolation. Instead, let’s shift our perspective, draw strengths, and recognize that all humans have experienced pain, suffering, or distress. It is likely that living with these valid and strong feelings all by yourself may further exacerbate your feelings of isolation and may lead you to feel inadequate.
According to Kristin Neff, to challenge your critical self-talk, you first need to notice when you are speaking to yourself critically. For instance, if you notice yourself saying, “You attract bad luck! Only bad things happen to you!” you may soften that inner voice by speaking back to it with more understanding or grace (e.g., “I know you are upset and frustrated right now. Bad things happen to everyone; the world feels like it is against you. We all make mistakes. They will understand!”). In this example, we were able to gently challenge our natural self-critical voice, name the emotions that are coming up for ourselves, and then remind ourselves of our universal humanity.
Over time, you might find that routinely challenging your inner critic can drastically improve how you relate to yourself and others. You might notice that you may feel empowered to combat your challenges or that a gentler and caring approach makes a difference in your anxiety or mood.
Here are some additional exercises you can try to increase your self-compassion:
https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises. And remember, you deserve to offer yourself the compassion you practice towards others!
A final thought on universal humanity is that we, as humans, have worth or value. Just as we want our children to know their value despite their mistakes and failures, we also want to remember that we have that same value. Our value exceeds our failures and our successes.