Part 2: The Power of Self-Intelligence in Working Moms
In part two of our four-part series on intelligence, we are going to explore self-intelligence for working mothers. As moms, we are often so focused on others that we fail to recognize the importance of understanding and managing ourselves! So today, let’s explore self-awareness and self-regulation, the two components of self-intelligence (Goleman, 1008).
Self-awareness
Self-awareness helps a working mom understand her emotional responses, strengths, and limitations. What does this mean? When you are navigating the demands of a professional and a personal life, being aware of what you are feeling and why you are feeling it can be critical to responding with clarity and confidence. It helps you to notice when your blood pressure is rising along with your voice or that you are on the verge of bursting into tears when you see your boss.
Imagine this common scenario:
My daughter had not done her homework and was playing on her phone.
If I reacted without self-awareness, then I may say something like, “Why haven’t you started your homework yet? This is unacceptable!” Internally, I may be thinking something like, “Why is she so irresponsible? This is so frustrating. I can’t deal with this after a long day at work.” As you can imagine, this response is not going to foster connection and conversation. I also would most likely feel worse as I would experience “mom guilt” afterward.
If I am using my self-awareness, I would instead pause and reflect. I would recognize that I am really stressed, and this is likely affecting how I’m reacting to her. I could then state more calmly, “I see you’re having trouble starting your homework. I had a really challenging day, too. Let’s take a break and figure this out together. Even if she replied that she wasn’t in the mood right then, I would be more likely to understand her feelings and my own, which helps us both. I could then think about other possible solutions.
In the first scenario, I respond with frustration and anger, seeing it as defiance. However, with self-awareness, I recognize my own emotions and respond more empathetically, which creates a better outcome for both me and my child.
How can we increase our self-awareness?
One way is to increase your emotional vocabulary. We often simplify our emotional experiences to the basics (e.g. sad, mad, happy, etc.), but there are so many more ways to identify and understand our actual emotions. For example, are you angry or furious? Are you happy or joyful? When we increase our emotional vocabulary, we are able to more effectively identify how we feel and make decisions based on this knowledge.
A second way is to engage in mindfulness practice. Even a short mindfulness session as you drink your coffee in the morning can help you tune into your emotions. If you recognize that you are feeling overwhelmed before the day has even begun, you can take steps to delegate tasks or prioritize tasks.
Journaling about your emotional triggers and responses can also help you identify your feelings and become more self-aware. If you are not a person who journals, seek feedback from your friends and family. Ask them when they see you emotional react both positively and negatively.
Self-regulation
With self-awareness, we are better at self-regulation. As working moms, we are constantly challenged to be like the calm captain of a ship in a stormy sea of deadlines, playdates, and laundry mountains. It’s the art of not losing your cool when your child paints the cat, your kindergartener gives themselves a haircut on picture day, or when your boss moves up a deadline. It’s vital because it helps maintain sanity and balance. When we master self-regulation, we become experts at handling stress, making rational decisions under pressure, and setting positive examples for our kids. It is about transforming yourself from a ‘reactor’ to a ‘responder’ – responding thoughtfully to the chaos that is our lives, rather than reacting impulsively. Self-regulation not only makes for smoother days but also teaches our children the invaluable lesson of emotional control. After all, if a mom can keep her cool when the spaghetti hits the wall (literally), she’s teaching resilience and composure by example.
Here are five ways that I have used to increase my self-regulation that can help you too:
- Deep Breathing Techniques: Before I am about to enter a stressful meeting, I feel my heart racing. Before stepping in, I take a moment to practice deep breathing, inhaling for four counts and exhaling for four. This helps me enter the meeting feeling calmer and more focused.
- Regular Exercise: After a hectic day, I feel mentally exhausted. Instead of sinking into the couch, I can opt for a 30-minute walk. The physical activity helps me clear my mind and release work-related stress.
- Setting Clear Goals: I can become overwhelmed by my to-do list. I decide to set specific, attainable goals for the day, prioritizing tasks. This helps me focus on one thing at a time, reducing anxiety and increasing productivity.
- Time Management: I can often feel rushed and stressed. I use a planner to allocate time for work tasks, family activities, and self-care. This organization helps me manage my day more efficiently and reduces the feeling of being constantly behind.
- Positive Self-talk: When I make a minor mistake at work, I start to criticize myself. Then, I consciously shift to positive self-talk, reminding myself that everyone makes mistakes and that I can learn from this experience. This change in mindset helps me move forward without getting stuck on the error.
In our journey as working moms, embracing self-intelligence – self-awareness and self-regulation – is like unlocking a secret power. It enhances our ability to juggle the complexities of work and family life with finesse. By understanding ourselves better and managing our reactions, we not only become more effective in our roles but also set a wonderful example for our children. And hey, let’s not forget to laugh at our perfectly imperfect moments. After all, sometimes the best thing to do when the pasta hits the wall is to make a joke about redecorating!
References:
Goleman, D. (1998). Working with emotional intelligence. Bantam.
Mayer, J. D., & Salovey, P. (1997). What is emotional intelligence? In P. Salovey & D. Sluyter (Eds.), Emotional development and emotional intelligence: Educational implications (pp. 3-31). Basic Books.