At the beginning of this series, we discussed how to identify your values and where they show up in your life. Today, we are going to look at turning those values into tangible goals, which can help guide us toward a life of focus and resilience.
Focus is a finite resource. We do not have endless energy to spend on every single task we approach. We can’t run at 100% all of the time! Thus, we have to choose what to spend our focus on, given our context, values, and needs. For instance, your afternoon meeting was canceled. You can either use this time to work on your upcoming project or play basketball with your kids when they get back from school. It is important to remember that this can be a difficult decision. There is no correct answer here; the only goal is to identify where you want to allocate your time and energy given this limited time you now have. Though this dilemma may seem comparatively smaller, your values can inform this decision as much as your values inform larger life events and ambitions.
For plenty of people, especially parents, it is easy to feel overwhelmed with our various tasks and responsibilities. In the case above, it is normal to feel guilty for choosing one option over the other. For this reason, cognitive offloading can be a beneficial tool to help manage the cognitive labor of juggling your responsibilities. An example of cognitive offloading can be to do a “brain dump” of all your stressors or tasks on your mind. You can also create a tentative schedule to allocate time for all your important tasks. For instance, if you decide to use that time to play with your child, you may schedule another hour to finish up tasks related to your current project at work. This can help mitigate any guilt or overwhelm that can arise during these difficult times. Make sure to check out our podcast with Donna Earle for some additional information about cognitive off-loading.
What about resilience? Oxford Languages says it is “the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.” We can interpret this as the ability to bounce back from life’s challenges, not the avoiding of these hardships altogether. In other words, to be resilient means we need to have the right tools in place to handle the inevitable challenges life throws at us. But how do we know if we’re resilient?
In order to foster resilience, Lopez and Synder (2009) report the following protective factors to help predict higher resilience: positive self-concept, effective problem-solving skills, strong coping skills, adaptability, meaning-making or understanding the purpose of hardship, optimism, valued skills or strengths, and general acceptance by others. Thus, to foster resilience, it may be important to practice cognitive reframing (such as a growth-oriented mindset, challenging intrusive thoughts to protect how you talk or treat yourself during challenging times, or utilizing a positive outlook despite the hardships) and to utilize your natural strengths to address challenges as they arise. According to early researchers on maternal resiliency, mothers who efficiently attended to their psychological distress after hardship were more effective at parenting and were more likely to attend to their child(ren)’s needs (Baraitser & Noack, 2007). In the same study by Baraitser and Noack (2007), ambivalent mothers, or mothers who did not properly attend to their psychological distress (e.g., guilt, shame, anxiety), and thus, did not bounce back from or tolerate hardships, were more likely to get more irritable at their children, feel more guilty or shameful about their performance as mothers, or project their distress onto their children.
Further, resilience can be both mental and genetic. We may want our children to be resilient. We want them to face challenges head-on! Families can promote resilience through positive family functioning, healthy relationships with peers, and self-discipline. Developing resilience throughout childhood can lead to a smoother transition into adulthood, thus encouraging independence while still maintaining familial bonds. Fostering resilience in your children is less about “rubbing some dirt on it” and more about cultivating the key factors above and modeling resiliency when you are faced with setbacks or hardships. When your child knows that they have a support system standing behind them, they are much more likely to face life’s challenges with a positive attitude and to handle setbacks more effectively.
You can encourage resilience in yourself and your child by maximizing the impact of positive events, as this builds up reserves for when you face a challenge. Sharpen memories of positive experiences by talking about them with your child, taking pictures, or Journaling about these experiences. Take a moment to really stop and experience the warmth of sunshine on your face, the feel of a pet’s fur, or the sound of your child’s laughter. Truly savor these precious moments rather than rushing through them.
With all that being said, life will throw a myriad of challenges our way, and it is incredibly normal to feel overwhelmed by what tasks or responsibilities are on our shoulders. Using these tools to mitigate cognitive overload, practice self-compassion, and demonstrate resilience can be especially helpful when life throws curveballs. As Gregory S. Williams said, “On the other side of a storm is the strength that comes from having navigated through it. Raise your sail and begin.”
References
Baraitser, L., & Noack, A. (2007). Mother courage: Reflections on maternal resiliency. British Journal of Psychotherapy, 23(2), 171-188.
Lefebvre, J-I., Montani, F., & Courcy, F. (2020). Self-compassion and resilience at work: A practice-oriented review. Advances in Developing Human Resources, 22(4). https://doi.org/10.1177/1523422320949145
Lopez, S.J. & Synder, C.R. (Eds.). (2009). The Oxford Handbook of Positive Psychology. Oxford University Press.
Wu, G., Feder, A., Cohen, H., Kim, J. J., Calderon, S., Charney, D. S., & Mathé, A. A. (2013). Understanding resilience. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 7. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2013.00010
Further Reading