You’ve drawn the line. You’ve communicated it clearly. But what happens when someone ignores your boundaries? How do you respond when you are made out to be the villain for speaking your truth? Whether it’s a friend, family member, or coworker, dealing with uncomfortable responses to healthy boundaries can be disheartening. Take heart, beautiful soul; upholding your boundaries is an act of profound respect for both you and your community. It’s not easy, but you are absolutely worth it.
This article offers strategies to handle the experience of individuals who resist your boundaries. We also offer some empowerment strategies to assist you in maintaining your strength and your compassionate intentions, for yourself first, and then for the portion of your community that is stuck in resistance.
Congratulations! You’ve done the work to process what you need for balance, meticulously authored your wording, and taken the steps to implement healthy boundaries. Good job, friend. Breaking any habit is tough, even those that have us yo-yo’d in interpersonal interactions. But it is especially difficult when someone disregards or acts in a way that attacks your boundaries. Don’t fear, my friend, this happens. It’s as natural for them to have emotions about the change as it is for you to feel sad, hurt, or angry about them, disregarding that you are finally standing up for yourself in a healthy way. Regardless of this bit of static, stay the course; empirical research has shown that clear communication and consistent enforcement can preserve well-being and reduce conflict.
To help you prepare for bumps in the road, we have a game plan:
- Stay Grounded: Create a support toolbox of mindful reflection practices, and accountability-partners to help you avoid reacting from anger or guilt. Remind yourself: “I am worth protecting.”
- Restate Calmly: “I” statements like: “I’ve shared my need for confidentiality on this topic; I’d appreciate it if we could respect that.”
- Explain Impact: Describe how the violation affects you. “When my needs are dismissed, I feel unloved.”
- Ask Questions: “Can we talk about what part of this boundary is triggering for you” or “How can I support you while we form a solution that works for both of us?”
- Invitation to Solution Co-authoring: Ex: “Other than letting the dogs run through the flower garden, what can we agree on that gives both the flowers and the dogs what they need to thrive?”
- Express the Value of the Relationship and the Boundary: “My intent is to work toward honoring myself in healthier ways than I have historically and simultaneously honor you. You are important to me and so is living a life I love.”
- Enforce Consequences: If all else fails and the pattern of behavior continues to cross the boundary you set, follow through by quietly reducing interactions with the person being resistant.
- Let Them: If the other party’s behavior requires some distance, let them be the one to show you they have made the changes, let them approach with a suggestion for moving forward that honors your boundary, or let them go.
Research shows that some may resist boundaries due to entitlement, low self-awareness, or discomfort with change. That’s their journey, not yours. Your journey requires that you hold your ground with the type of intentional, kind commitment that breeds a life of peace, joy, and healthy interaction.
With each practice, you will find your voice and confidence growing. You will realize that boundary violations aren’t reflections of your worth; they are a demonstration of the other person’s emotional maturity limitations. Standing firm isn’t about controlling another person; it’s about standing up for the treatment you deserve. Every time you honor your boundaries, you remind yourself and the world of your innate worth. Though initially it might be uncomfortable, it is absolutely transformational. And the hidden treasure in this effort is that it is contagious. Through your commitment to yourself, your children, and others around you will learn how to establish relational health for themselves.
Your first action step is to go grab your journal and reflect on who in your life consistently disrespects your boundaries. Next, close your eyes and visualize yourself calmly, confidently reinforcing a boundary. What does that feel like in your body? Hold that feeling and write down all that comes up. Now, on a separate page, write yourself a permission slip to honor your boundaries with these boundary pushers. Finally, to support yourself and continue to grow this strength, identify a friend or group of friends who are also actively working on boundaries. Check in weekly. Share small victories, offer encouragement, and remind each other: You are worth protecting!
Additional Resources
- Accentuate the Positive; And the Negative, Owens (1993)
- Park & Bae (2021) study on self-talk and cognitive performance
- “How to Set Boundaries with Difficult People”, Psych Central
- The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About, Mel Robbins